The smell of freedom will unleash the Beast.. So get ready.. cos here comes the PAIN..

Happy Bday Baby Angel

2006-07-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

Today.. 27 July.. We celebrate a wonderful day.. A day when Allah decided to send one of His Angels to the earth.. An Angel whose virtues are priceless.. An Angel who’s intelligent yet humble.. An Angel who’s Enchanting yet reserved and An Angel who was created for the soul purpose of Glorifying some lucky fellow’s life.. An Angel Called Shaikah Khatijah..

There were many who came and went in your life.. But I guess they didn’t realize.. Or they simply didn’t see.. The value of this Beautiful Angel.. Then came me.. The 1st time I saw you I was asking myself did I die.. Because here before me is a woman whose eyes consumes me.. A woman who’s smile infects me.. A woman who’s speech captivates me.. So complete so pure.. Like the sound of Azan.. You called to me.. And like the Azan.. You brought the best out of me..

My life is filled with many challenges.. And one of them was to fight the demons I have within.. But I didn’t felt the need to until I met you.. Now without you my life seems so empty and dark.. Each day I meet you I anticipate your smile.. It’s like a recharging feeling.. Well it’s actually more then your smile that recharges me.. It’s the power of your presence.. It’s the hype of your naughtiness.. It’s the purity of your love.. It’s the warmth of your touch.. And the Strength I get from your Pure, Undivided, Undoubted and Undeniable love..

All my life I have been searching for you.. Now that I have you I am afraid to loose you.. That’s what drives me to greater heights.. Heights to perfect myself so as to be the man who can be by your side always.. And if there is someone I got to thank.. It’s your mum and dad.. For bringing you into this world.. If not for them.. I would still be a lost and empty soul.. A soul with no purpose.. A soul with no destination..

So now to my Angel.. I just want to say thanks for all the times.. And all the Smiles.. And all the fun.. All the Kisses(Ooops) and Hugs.. And all the “Accidents”.. I have never seen a woman before you or after you with the likes of you.. You are the one I yearn for.. And this is the reason.. Why your Birthday is a day worth celebrating.. I love you so much MY CHO CUTE CHO CWEET CAYANG HUNEY BABY ANGEL Shaikah Khatijah.. Happy Birthday My Angel..

Come suffer with me.

2006-02-26T07:11:00.000-08:00

The Gates of Hell

Where there is light there is life. This also means where there is darkness there is death and destruction. This is how my life has become. A dark alley filled with pain, torment and suffering. Since the day I stepped into the darkness, my life has turned into hell on earth. Not just for me, its applies to anyone who has failed in trying to bring light into my life. They have also been brought down with me into my dark, tormented life.

There were many times I felt the light. Many have tried showing me the path leading to a brighter world. Some came to me out of pity. Some came to me out of the excitement. And many more came in search of glory of being the one who rescued a fallen soul from destruction. They all fought valiantly until they felt my power, the power of darkness. So dark it consumes them. Leaving them suffering along with me.

In my dark life I have become a useless Muslim. Who takes whatever Allah gives me for granted and spent my life doing things I am not allowed to do. In my dark life I have also become a useless son who keeps cursing and swearing at my own parents and always disrespecting them all the way till now. In my dark life I have also clouded the minds of many into trusting me and making them fulfill my needs and my desires.

Overwhelming is the power of darkness. This is what I have grown up to become. An Entity who suffers in silence and who victimize others to suffer with me till the end. I hope one day those who suffered in my hands will find refuge in Allah’s merciful hands and hope their life will indeed shine.

To all others who are there with me and those whose thinking of stepping into the darkness. I hope I have warned you enough, because darkness knows no mercy, it knows no love, it has no meaning and it will consume you till you are left all alone to suffer with the one who is one with it. So please step into my world and suffer with me.

Shaikah(Khatijah) By Najib Ahmad

2006-02-18T13:40:00.000-08:00

Gadis riang ceria, Tersenyum manis dan tertawa
Debu pasir kota mulia, Hinggap di pipimu Umaira

Sutera Bahrain yang merah, Litupi dirimu oh wanita
Terpatri janji hidup bersama, Kini kau kasih insan mulia

Teman suka dan duka, Bersama harungi segalanya
Cemburumu bukan lagi rahsia, Tanda kasih padu dijiwa

Shaikah Shaikah... istimewa
Shaikah Shaikah... si merah
Shaikah Shaikah... bijak mulia
Shaikah Shaikah... kau setia

Cintamu cinta abadi, Ke akhir hayat kau di sisi
Halaman kauraudah yang suci, Tempat kekasihmu bersemadi

Shaikah Shaikah... istimewa
Shaikah Shaikah... si merah

Dan ujian melanda, Badai fitnah semua menimpa
Hentikan deraian airmata, Kerna Tuhan tetap berkuasa
Menjadi pelindung, Dan terjelas segalanya

Arab...

PS: Originally composed by Najib Ahmad.

Dark Love

2006-02-18T12:44:00.000-08:00

I made you love me, but didn’t tell you how dark my life could be.
I gave you hope, but didn’t tell you how hopeless I am already.
I made you believe I am the best, but didn’t show you how much I am like the rest.
I made you dedicate songs, but didn’t tell you where I actually belong.

I belong in misery, darkness clouds my life.
I was so happy to know that an angel was made for me.
I wanted to love like the rest of the world, and feel its beauty.
Without realizing happiness is not for me.

Now, I feel lonely again.
Because I know u don deserve me.
You are fit for a king, who can love you and set you free.

But all you got is the dark old me.
The devils own adversary.
The one spoils everything, fit for royalty.

Run if you can my precious lady.
Your heart is full of love not meant for me.
My life is jus a whole big mess of animosity.

To my blind angel who truly loves me
You should run before you start to hate me.
Before your heart becomes as dark as me.

I am truly so so sorry.

Evil? Money or me?

2006-02-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

They say money is the route to all evil. Money can bring greed, it can bring envy, it can bring jealousy, it can bring hate, anger and much more. So is it really true that money is the source of all evil. Regardless of how money has become the key element of a man’s survival in this world, we still point our fingers to it as the main culprit who gives us all the bad attributes. Yet money, without a shadow of a doubt, has become essential for a humans life. I am not trying to say money is life. Rather money is one of the elements that sustains a man’s well being or cause a man his downfall. This is what modernization has brought to this world and its something we can’t deny or evade from. The fact is money has become as important as air or water to man.

Imagine a life without modernization. Imagine us man living in the wild. Then you will understand why the dark side of modernization. Life in the wild would only be determined by the shear strength and capabilities of hunting and bringing food or to ensure the safety of a man’s family. In the wild all you will have to worry about is food, water and air. In the food doesn’t come to your table prepared by others. After your have done imagining that, try think of what the world will become of animals gotten smarter like us humans. Then think about will we have a chance to over throw the animals if they also became smart and start to buy their way into their lives.

Sadly even after all this, man will always be, man. We are chosen to be at the top of the food chain but how many of us actually stop and think about those poor animals. How many of us actually stop and think about the suffering we put some animals into by abusing the money we have to buy fur coats and pay for soups that only uses small parts of an animal. How many of us actually stop to think how we would feel if some intelligent animal comes to our house chop of only our hands and legs or jus rip off our skin alone then leave the rest of us at home to die. How many? Sad to say even I never thought about it till I got a wake up call from God. Yet there are also another bunch of us humans who actually treat our own kind like animals jus because they are broke or disabled.

Is this why God gave us a brain? To earn money then use it to make other people’s life miserable. To make the poor animals which were actually put in this world by God as our food source, suffer in misery. Is this why God made us intelligent? At the end of the day ask yourself, is money really the source of evil. 1st we make torture the less fortunate, 2nd we have put all the blame on the very source that gave us life. Think about it. Who is the Evil here? Is it really Money?

Far Away, Nickelback

2006-02-09T12:46:00.000-08:00

This time, This place, Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late, Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance, Just one breath, Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,you know, you know..

That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I miss you, Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore..

On my knees, I'll ask, Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand, All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all, I'd give for us, Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,you know, you know..

That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I miss you, Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore..

So far away, Been far away for far too long
So far away, Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know..

I wanted, I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed, I need to hear you say
That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I forgive you, For being away for far too long
So keep breathing, 'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it, Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing, 'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it, Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing, Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing, Hold on to me and, never let me go..

Meet the Family..

2005-12-19T22:11:00.000-08:00

When I 1st tot about it I was like so afraid. So afraid I was worrying is my hair okay, does my face has too many black spots, am I too fat and is my personality too rugged? So confused until something happen. I got a message, a message from my conscious. It was telling me to just be myself. I mean I was reasoning out with him and he made me realize if I put up so much of an act of how I want them to visualize me I might end up having to act the rest of my life. Then I puckered up and went as my true, smash mouth, direct dealing and anything goes kind of a fella. Although that’s what I tot I felt. Until...

Well actually rite, I was still feeling afraid. Afraid if they didn’t like me the way I am, but my conscious just made me stayed the way I am. So there I go, like some kind of a hero. I saw this man, a big old man who has this "Kill'em all let God sort'em out" kind of a look rite. Then when I got closer, I realize hei! That’s what I am like, so it’s not so bad. So here I go trying to say hi, and I get this kind handshake (Salam). I was like, am I missing something here? Well so he goes on telling me come on and tells me to sit down. The aura was so intense. Not violent intense but whats going on intense. Like I couldn’t believe it went on so easily. Like I am with the nicest dad, on the planet. So cool. Basically I was so shell shocked I didn’t know what to do. I jus sat there still wondering is this real?

Next I went on into the chalet and got to know her sisters, I already have a vendetta with one of the sisters. She calls me this gay performer Najip Ali and I keep calling her this Song writer come singer Nurul. So I go in not knowing what to expect. It was quite at the start cos she was with her frens and I am just sitting watching this old school Malay movie. It went on quite until night time. It was so beautiful because I actually spend time with ma baby playing game. We created a WWE superstar that personifies her and we like made her look the way she wanted to look but cant. Then her cousin also wanted us to create a character 4 her. Then 4 the 1st time, I made contact with her younger sis. Not physical though but mental contact. I challenged her in a wrestling match, on the game. It was brutal, cos I knew they never played this game before and I don’t want to end up a bully, so I just stayed cool and didn’t do much of my stunt. Then she kicked me. No not me but my character. She's good, and if I were to give in again I’m going to loose. So I came up played slightly serious and I won the match.

Happy you say? Nah, I seem like the big loser this time. I let my ego get in the way and I ended up being what I was afraid of becoming, a bully. Then I realized what a fool I have become, and then I challenged them in another game. Racing, this time I even let them into my weakness, which is I can’t play that well with the traffic on. 1st opponent, ma baby. She was good, 4 a beginner, she trashed the car all over the place n was unhappy she lost. She kept on challenging me until she finally won. Then her sis, then her cousin, then she came in again n beat me, then I realized the other sister's frens was getting a little bored, so I let them have it n retired and spent some quality time with my baby alone.

If you think I’m done, you are wrong. In fact I just began. The 2nd time I came there was almost midnight, I came over again the friendly family greeting me and fed me with so much food. This time my baby wasn’t there yet. She hasn’t returned from work. After eating we started our game. Which this time her song writer sis joined in.. That was my worst night ever. Cos I kept loosing to all three of them, it was outrages, it was a nightmare and it was so humiliating. That’s what I thought until I saw the glow on their faces, its like hei, I didn’t loose. In fact I jus won. Big time! This is what they call the brighter side of loosing, and if loosing mean I can get closer with ma baby's sisters, I wouldn’t mind loosing all my life. Then when my baby came aft she changed to something comfortable, she took over and she also won most of the games we played. It was like I found this new strength for loosing, I didn’t think loosing can be so glorious, especially when loosing to your loved ones. Then I remembered, hei, I’ve felt this before, when I conceded the games when playing with my brother. Indeed I realize the true strength in failure.

Then when it was going home time, I really didn’t want to leave. Cos I was having so much fun I wished we could stay longer. So we packed up, left and headed over to her place. I assisted a little in the unpacking, and her dad started to give me a little tour of the house. Once the unpacking was complete, me and my baby left cos she had to go to work. The end, of a beautiful week. This writing is jus a note to remind me of one of the most memorable days of my life.

If i cant have you.

2005-11-27T00:30:00.000-08:00

She is the meaning of beauty. Her spirit n hers style consumes me. From the very 1st time I saw her, she captured me within her power. All it takes is just one look. Before I knew it I was hooked. She put my love into the test. And now I must confess. If I can’t have you baby, I don’t want to be with no one else. If I can’t have you, baby I would rather be, by myself. Woman I would die without you, because I love everything about you. Lady you are my existence, and I’ll say this with persistence. (Rupee : If I can’t have you)

These words I say to the woman whose hands deserve to be covered in gold bracelets and jewelry fit for royalty. She does so much for a man completely unworthy of that much attention. Why do so much my dear to satisfying the needs and impress this beast like monster. It pains me so much to see how these hands go through so much jus to keep this beast plus her family happy and complete. Yes it hurts me dear, especially when I know you deserve better yet am not able to do anything about it, sitting here helplessly, sitting here in sorrow thinking how much you put us before everything else. How will I ever repay your love, how will I ever repay your attention, how will I ever repay all that you have done for me and my family.

I don’t think can, because no matter how much I do, I can never match your undivided attention. Your selflessness is infinite and unmeasured, and can never be replenished with money or my humble time and attention. Even if I adorn you with all the jewels of the world, it would still be inadequate. You are just like all the Seven Wonders of the World all rolled into one. Nothing I can ever do in this world can ever match to your devotion and ardor.
If I ever see you cry, I will collect all your tears n keep it all in bottles, so I can one day use it to shower your child with it. I say this because the tears you shed for this humble beast, is as holy as the sands on the grounds of Mecca. And only a child you bare has the whole rights to be showered with so much love and care of a woman as majestic as you. The love you have shown me is as pure as a new born baby, and I hope and pray each night that your have given it to the right person. Me?

How far am i from you..

2005-11-23T00:26:00.000-08:00

How far am I away from you my dear? I wish I can tell you how I far I feel I am. But the distance is just far too great it has not been measured yet. When I loved u, I know you were like an angel who has come down to put me out of my miseries. When I asked you to be mine I knew I was asking for something as impossible as separating the shore from the sea. And when you became mine, I realize I was making a sin as big as adultery. I should have known where I stand in this dark world. A creature that’s truly unworthy of love so divine.

I know! I know I should let you be in the arms a more worthy individual. But I can’t. After feeling such relieve from you, I just can’t imagine a life without you. But who am I? On what grounds do I deserve the right to have you as mine? You are a being who deserves royalty. I am just a simple man with great desires. Far too great, for someone who does not even know how to appreciate a gift so grand.

Now since you came, my life is carefree and calm. Just like how I wanted it to be, beautiful and serene. Yet I fear if my imperfection will one day become my failure. All I can do now is pray each day that you will remain with me. Or pray that if one day you decide to abandon me. You abandon me for a man who’s beyond doubt worthy of your royalty.

The ugly side of life..

2005-11-20T21:05:00.000-08:00

People do all sorts of things when it comes to satisfying themselves. Be it self physically or intellectually, people change themselves all the time. These changes are mostly done not for them selves, rather done to impress others or to gain certain kind of attention from others. Others here, is referring to the people who live closely to the ones making the changes to them selves.

Like them, I am a person, who made a few changes to myself sometime ago. Changes that can make me appeal to others. Changes which made me stronger and more popular. Yet I wasn’t happy because I realized this time I am not living my life, and that these changes made me different. Different from what I once was. These changes also made me arrogant rude and ruthless. So cruel I made use of other people and victimized the ones I loved. Then again, it was them who did it to me 1st and I am just doing this to get my payback.

Is it worth it? Is revenge so sweet it puts u in a life so beautiful? No it does not. It simply made me into what I hated most. Them! Now I stand in the room, with the rest of them, attractive physically but repulsive psychologically, well-built physically but shabby psychologically, popular outside yet hated inside. That was who I realize I have become. Slowly I hated myself.

Now I stand after what I class as a new lease at life an ugly, unpopular and messy fool but happy with myself. Now I am ready to get myself treated like garbage again knowing that one day God will show them the light I saw. Or the next light they will see it the light of the burning grounds of HELL...

My sorry life..

2005-11-20T19:35:00.000-08:00

Normally I am a calm person. I try to help those in need and do what I can to make sure people's life becomes better. Yet sometimes I just don understand how come the very same people I helped can stab me in the back and just pretend I am some kind of stranger. I know life is not fair and nothing in life is too. I just don understand how come humans, the very species that was created to protect the other species can be so cruel to their own kind.

Life in this world can be so challenging. God and our religion tell us we should be human and should do good to win our ticket to heaven. And those who do bad will be transported to hell yet only the fools who do good are the ones suffering. How is one simple human suppose to do good continue to do good when all the people around him does bad to him and just walks away when he needs help the most.

In the end it seems like suffering in hell is more worth then suffering in here. Simply because in Hell all you have to worry about is the fire and heat but right here in this world, we have to worry about the cannibals who we call our friends. The cannibals who feed on us when we still have all the flesh they need and leaves us to the cannibalistic scavengers who will chew on our last remain till we are completely consumed.

I just wish I will end up seeing those cannibals in hell so I can do whatever I desire to them n not get into anymore trouble then I already am. To those Homo sapiens who consumed me. A word of warning to my “Friends”, my remains will return one day and my return will mean hell is coming upon you, so be alarmed. Rest In Peace my dear “friends”.

The inevitability of LOVE..

2005-11-20T16:45:00.000-08:00

When I was little, a lot of people told me bout Love and it’s magic. What Love can do and how people’s life can become better when they find it and how it completes a man’s life when one found it. One of many things in life I became more interested in as time passed by. I became more interested in finding out what it means and what it feels like to fall in love when I grew older and see people around me all getting attached to some of their female friends. That’s when I started searched high n low for it. I actually started watching crap movies just to submerge myself in Love so as to know what it feels like. I guess it didn’t hit the spot. It really wasn’t that helpful until I watched my 1st ever cartoon love story, Beauty and the Beast. What can I say it was so helpful that I began to personify the beast himself. Well being young n gullible has its dangers, but if only I know then what I know now, I would not have been in such trouble.

I suppose fate does not come with a little irony. I say this because now I have found out what love actually is, but not before going through a number of devastating relationships full of lies and cheats. It actually made me hate love instead. Here I am, the boy trying to find love and wanting to be in love knowing the beauty and nature of its powers, instead I get thrown into a whirlpool of hatred, cheat, deception and many more. Even came to the conclusion that Love is just like the cartoon I watched, jus a fairy tale and that people nowadays jus used LOVE as a cheap excuse to achieve something or to satisfy their desires. I guess that’s how fate works its way. When you’re finding for it, you wont get it and when you least expect it, it will come to you in a big way. There I was, given up after being used, spat on, battered, and confused. Like a dead carcass being feasted on by a flock of vultures, they ate everything that’s been left behind by a ruthless predator. A force like something I never felt before appeared. A force I was dieing to feel, from a long time ago.

A woman who from a distant away can make me feel so good bout myself. A woman, whose face remained a mystery, can actually heal my wounds by just her simple words and strong wisdom. This woman was so remarkable she actually has me under a spell even when we have not physically met in person. Maybe a Cleopatra of the future or Juliet of the new age or she could even be the reincarnation of Prophet Muhammad’s S.A.W 1st wife Khadijah. I don’t know her predecessors, all I know is she is one hell of a woman. A woman who made me sits in front of my pc each night just to wait 4 her arrival. The woman who gave me this empty feeling of emptiness if she didn’t came online. The woman that comforted me from the computer when I m feeling down. I can go on and on bout this woman, because she is truly an angel put into a human’s body and only Allah knows how much I am thankful to him that he sent her to me.

Lastly I would just like to add, that Love is indeed something beautiful, and though it maybe hard to find, but chances are, it will come to you when u least expect it. As for me, I only learned bout it after I began to embrace the creator of it all. When you have learned how to love because of Allah and not for your own conquest of satisfying your lust, then He will show you true love and all the beauty and powers that come with it. I have finally found my missing rib bone. Figure that part out yourself.